*My Silent Death*
Everyday I die a little more of my silent death. Everyday my head falls a little lower, unable to look back up. Everyday
another tear rolls down my cheek as I wake up wishing I wouldnt ever have to again. This silent death eats away at my heart,
nobody notices a bit. No cure except for one I have found alone. These pills and needles give me kisses and welcome me into
their home. They act like old friends of mine and make me happy at once. They cheer me up and I stop by more often, getting
their help. This razor is like the mother I never had, she sooths me in my time of need. She helps me release some of my pain
little by little. She leaves me with the scars that show what Ive gone threw, they show all the pain and unhappiness. My disease
kills me little by little, unknown to anyone who pretends to care.
*Just One Day*
Oh what I would give for just one day.
I could throw all my cares away.
I could leap and dance and sing in the sun.
Think of all the fun.
There would be no rain, no sadness, no dark.
I would be without a mark.
No tears of hatred, no tears of pain.
I would be filled with gladness and considered sane.
On my face would be a smile.
It would stay there for awhile.
But here I sit in the cold lonely rain.
My skin is red and my heart full of pain.
I sit upon a dying tree.
One day I will try and flee.
Try to escape this forest of pain.
Leave this never ending rain.
I will never return.
And I will leave without a scar or burn.
But here I sit.
In this pit.
*A Reflection No One Knows*
As I gaze into the mirror I wonder who stares back at me.
A stranger, cold and alone, is what I see.
Her cold stone eyes rip through my soul.
Her dress and hair, black as coal.
Who is this girl that no one knows?
What is this strange emotion that she shows?
She looks so depressed, so alone and sad.
I wish she would smile, or just be glad.
Who is this girl in the long black gown?
I stare into her eyes and start to frown.
A lone tear rolls down my cheak.
As I figure out this girl so pale and bleak.
What has happened to the girl I used to see?
What has happened to me?
As I sit behind closed doors I wonder why I do these things
When I know of all the pain it brings
The cold silver razor blade slides across my skin
Is what I do a sin?
Why do I do this to myself when I know what people think?
Why don't I just use drugs or drink?
Why is it I choose to bleed?
The slicing and dicing is what I need
The cruel names people call me echo in my head
Cutsarella, Ms. Kut, and Princess of Red
Another cut for each one
Why do they act like what I do is fun?
A stream of red runs down my arm
Why do I cause myself such harm?
D is for the dread that I feel when my eyes open to another day.
E is for the eternal hell in which I live.
P is for the persecution I get because I'm different.
R is for my resistance to suicide.
E is for the extralonelyness of my days.
S is for the sadness I feel day in and day out.
S is for the stupidity of believing I could ever belong.
I is for the individuality of my condition.
O is for the out of place feeling.
N is for the never ending pain.
These letters spell out the condition to which my soul is condemned.
As I walk up to your steps I stop to take one last look. I climb the steps counting each one as I step up. Thinking of
all the times I walked these coming to meet you. As I reach the top I pause once again. Then I gather my courage and walk
up to your door. Then I ring the bell. As you open the door I hold my breath, as if it would help. I can see you have been
crying, but I don't want to mention it to you. I say hello but you don't respond back. You just stand there coldly staring
at me. It didn't work out between us, I'm sorry I say as quickly as possible. Then I turn my back to you and walk down your
steps. I stop at the bottom feeling your eyes on my back. Don't cry I say, I told you never to cry over us. Then I continue
on my way to my car. As I near my car door I hear you shout from behind me I wont ever cry, don't worry. I jump, as if I'm
surprised that you spoke. I turn around one last time to see your face but its not your face that draws my attention. I turn
around just in time to see you plunge a knife into your chest, then you fall to the ground. I start to run up your stairs
two by two. Then I sit at your side and take you in my arms. The knife sticks out of your chest with blood oozing out of the
wound. I never cried you whisper as blood fills yours mouth. Tears fill my eyes and I tell you I love you. I'm sorry I repeat.
The last words you speak are its ok, I love you too. Then your body falls limp in my arms.
As I stand in the bathroom watching the tears run down my face I think of you. I think of all the times I cried and you
kissed me until the tears were gone. I put the cold steal blade of the knife to my wrist, but then I hear the doorbell ring.
I hesitate in answering, but make my way to the door. I grip the doorknob as if it is what is keeping me alive, and force
myself to open it. There you stand. You stare at me as if trying to decided how to say this. Finally you say hello, as if
this is just you stopping by to say hi. I don't respond back. You blurt out that me and you didn't work and walk down the
steps as fast as you possibly can. I stand there staring at you in shock. Tears filling my eyes. I just watch you walk away
from it all. Then you stop at the bottom of the steps and tell me not to cry. How could I not? Only one alternative came to
mind. I took the knife that had been resting in my hand and put it to my chest. Then I scream to you I wont ever cry, don't
worry. At that moment I plunge the knife into my chest before the first tear can fall. You stare at me for a second and the
last thing I see before I fall is you running to me. You rush up to me and hold me in your arms. I become dizzy and can barely
see whats going on. I hear you say somewhere in the distance that you love me and are sorry. The taste of blood is in my moth
and with all the force in my body I say its ok, I love you too. Then the world goes blank.
*I Told You*
I told you not to, never to do it.
But you didn't listen, so now here I sit.
Blood covered cloths, and tears streaming from my eyes.
You sit there and your mouth gapes open in surprise.
Couldn't believe it could you?
Had no idea what to do?
The blood drips down my trembling fingers and hits the floor.
You deserved this, so why does my heart feel so sore?
I'm sorry I whisper, but you shouldn't have been with her.
You were mine, yes you were.
Suddenly I burst out in laughter and sit beside your body.
I still screwed myself, you were such a hotty.
But, you look much better like this I say with a smirk.
And that was a hell of a lot of work.
Well I've got to clean up I say and go take a shower.
In that corner you still sit and cower.
Blood dripping down your mouth and nose.
Not one inch clean, from head to toes.
A gaping hole in your stomach, and a million everywhere else on you.
You shouldn't have done it, but you cant help what you do.
Once a player, always a player I say.
Well I hope you learned your lesson, and that you do have to pay.
I'm an artist of a different kind. My arms and legs are my canvas, my razor blade my brush. I paint lines of red, creating
streams of anger and pain. My art is hung on my arms and legs forever. Hung for all to see.
*Just One More Cut*
One more cut wont hurt me any more
I repeated this lie in my head
My soul felt so used, so tired and sore
But I believed that lie, no idea where it would have led
So I repeated one more time wont hurt and pressed the razor hard to my skin
My eyes closed as I dragged it across my arm
It felt as if someone pushed in a long pin
But remember, one more cut wouldnt cause anymore harm
The razor dropped from my hand as I leaned back against the wall
I shut my eyes even tighter as I felt something wet through my shirt
I saw all the blood and tried to stand but fell
Shouldnt I have felt this, shouldnt it have hurt
My head felt dizzy and I couldnt decide what to do
The blood kept gushing, making a puddle on the floor
I had to call someone, but who
I leaned against a wall and stood up, trying to get to the door
Im going to die locked in this room alone and cold
I fell over, fell on the door and slid down
Why couldnt I die happy and old
I look across the room at my 8th grade graduation gown
Ill never make it there, the dress will never be worn
Ill never marry, never have a career
Instead I will die here in this bloody shirt thats torn
Ill die just like a wounded deer
My eyes feel heavy, but I fought to keep them open for a little while
Knowing that when they shut that they will never open again
I become exhausted like I just ran a mile
My mom said shed be home from the store in ten
Just wait for mom I repeated until I couldnt keep my eyes open anymore
Right then I heard the kitchen door open and mom yell hi
Mom I scream but it only comes out a whisper Im so sore
Hunny you hear me Im home she says as I hear her pass by
Mom I plead one more time to deaf ears
My breathing slows then finally stops, as my body lays limp against the door
I've finally escaped this world of pain and tears
But couldnt I have lived just a little more
Maybe if my mom would have heard me
Maybe if life wasnt hell in this house I consider a hut
Maybe if someone would have noticed my plea
But I know the reason is because of that one last cut
A girl committed suicide because everything was gone.
A girl committed suicide because she felt like just a pawn.
A girl committed suicide because her boyfriend had lied.
A girl committed suicide because her parents stole all her pride.
A girl committed suicide because of the friend she saw hanging from a rope.
A girl committed suicide because she could never cope.
A girl committed suicide because all she ever wanted was a hug.
A girl committed suicide because she kept getting jumped by this one thug.
A girl committed suicide because she was never wanted in the first place.
A girl committed suicide because by the time help arrived the marks were always gone without a trace.
A girl committed suicide because she could never smile.
A girl committed suicide because of the three digit phone number she'd always have to dial.
A girl committed suicide because she cried one too many tears.
A girl committed suicide because she was tired of the hell she'd lived all these years.
A girl committed suicide because all the drugs weren't helping anymore.
A girl committed suicide because living had become just a chore.
A girl committed suicide because no one ever heard her cries.
A girl committed suicide because her life was based upon lies.
A girl committed suicide because of all the pain nobody could ever see.
A girl committed suicide, and that girl was me.
I stare out and see your face
I wish it was a memory I could erase
I hate your hair of golden blond
I hate the way your eyes are green like scum from a pond
I hate the way you laugh and smile
I hate your skin like pale white tile
I hate your lips of rosey red
I hate all the scars from which you bled
I hate the way you pretend to be something your not
I hate the way you love people a lot
I hate the way you fight for your love
I hate the way your are always silent like a dove
I hate the hurt that comes from your soul
I hate the way your tears could fill a thousand bowls
I hate the way dark circles line your eyes
I hate the way you put up with everyones lies
I hate the earrings that line your ears
I hate the cries that nobody hears
I hate this mirror which brings you to me
I hate you Monica, your my greatest enemy
*A Cut Just For You*
A cut so deep, so vivid and red
A million others from which I've bled
But this one is special, it's made just for you
This one will help me start life anew
A large L covers my wrist
For all the times you said you loved me, all the hours of life I've missed
Next to the L is a tiny little I
For all the innocent times you've made me cry
An E follows next in the line
For all your eruptions of anger, and all the feelings hidden inside
Then S the last letter in this mural of pain
For all the things you told me that pushed me way past sane
And as I underline the bottom of the word I push in
Showing you I give up, I cant win
I did try, my very best
But it doesn't matter, I've failed life's test
You can read me like a book
Each time you dare to look
Blood tattoos along my arms
Down my stomach and legs, self harm
People stare like I'm a freak
No, its just some happiness I seek
Cut after cut, word after word
Sending out cries that will never be heard
Lips and eyes both sewn shut
Arms lined with a repeated cut
Pale white skin with nothing but pins
Paying for all the innocent sins
Bloody tears run down her cheeks
Her future is nothing, pale and bleak
Pain in the heart hurts worst of all
She hangs off the ground, vivid and tall
Hung on a hook, by a ring in her back
People take out knives and begin to hack
She cries muffled screams and the knives slide in
Sending away her eternal sin